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I met the guy once before.  He came over and we watched a movie.  At that time, I knew the guy was a little odd, but not much more so than the average Joe.  So, he came over last night to pick me up to go to Applebee’s and then Wal-Mart (we both had returns).  And now the story really gets going…

I found out that he carries a man purse.  Not just a man purse though, a bag filled with various medications, coupons, ad inserts, tissues, water bottles, etc.  And then I find out that he’s returning used headlights – he bought headlights, replaced them with the ones on his car, and so he’s taking back the ones that were dead. Really?  Theif much?  I let that go because I wanted free food (don’t judge).

So, I made some not-so-healthy choices by having sex with him (don’t judge).  This was the second time I’ve ever cried during sex.  He talked nonstop about things like where Applebee’s and Wal-Mart were located, his need to buy coffee creamer, his ferrets, etc.  I closed my eyes and tried to enjoy the ride – pun intended.  I have to say, he’s well endowed.  I didn’t cum though because he wouldn’t shut the fuck up!

After sex we went to Applebee’s.  We walk in and he’s automatically awkward.  He went over to the little wagon they have set up for kids to grab a coloring page and crayons. And he took a set.  Then he asked about drink specials that were clearly listed on the chalkboard.  After we were seated he continued talking about strange things like the last time he was at Applebee’s (which was years ago), the fact that he hadn’t been on the traditional family vacation since 1998, how his car is a Nissan Versa S and the various features that comes with that model versus the other models.  He told me to talk to him.  I tried.  I really did.  I was trying to tell a story about something and he cut me off by rattling off what he thinks he might order.

By this point I’m done and want to go home.  Unfortunately I didn’t drive.  After a tediously long dinner, we managed to get to Wal-Mart.  I was done in less than 5 minutes.  After he stole from the store (returned used mechandise) he insisted that we look around.  I said, “I want to go home.”  He said, “Oh come on, we should just check some stuff out.”

We ended up in sporting goods looking at machetes.  O.o  What?!

He just needed fucking coffee creamer!!  I tried and tried to get him over to the dairy section.  He disappeared.  I text him saying I would be waiting outside.  He called saying he was in line but thought it would be better to go to Food Lion because he’d be standing there for 10 minutes.  I said that he better just check out because by the time we got to Food Lion and checked out it’d be longer than 10 minutes.  I smoke two cigarettes while waiting.  He came out empty handed.  I was so angry.

He started to head to Food Lion and I said, “Just take me home.”  “You’ll be ok,” and he patted my leg like I was five.

As soon as we got back to my place I said goodnight and made sure he knew he was  NOT invited to stay.  I immediately blocked him on Facebook and ignored his phone calls and texts.


So, I got laid, free dinner, and a lousy date.