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My ex-bf has been calling me nearly everyday for the past 2 weeks.  He’s been pleasant and sounds more and more like his old self.  This is a pretty huge thing because the whole reason I broke up with him was due to his abrupt mistreatment of me.  He had a hell of a lot of bad shit happen in a short amount of time and that resulted in him being a complete asshole to his friends/family.  While breaking up with him he begged me to still be his friend.  I agreed because in general he’s a wonderful man.  I’d frequently tell him that he was the best guy I’d even been with – and that’s true, even to this day.  I once told him that he has a heart of gold.  He said, “No, I’m too much of a dick.”  So I then said that he had a heart of silver.  He was okay with that.  Anyway, all this crazy ass stuff happened and I would not let him think that it was okay to treat me like crap just because there was a lot of crazy ass stuff happening.  I wanted to be there for him.  I was there for him.  I supported him and needed him to need me in his time of need.  Alas, that didn’t happen.  He shut me out.  Maybe I was a bit of a dick for leaving him in his time of turmoil.  Maybe he needed me to leave.  I sometimes think that he purposefully pushed me away so that I would break up with him because he couldn’t deal with being the bad guy by breaking my heart.  He doesn’t want to be weak.  He wants to hold on and fight.  I think he lost his fight with himself though.

Everyday I think about and miss him.  Sometimes I still cry.  Like the day that was supposed to be our anniversary, I cried.  And when I erased the circle around our wedding day, I cried.  And the first time I slept with someone else, I cried.

He is currently living with his sister who recently moved back to the area.  She has two kids and a drug/sex problem.  Today he text me saying that she was probably going to get them evicted from their apartment.  He didn’t say why.  Instead he asked if I wanted/needed a roommate.  What?!

**Ex just called.  Said his sister is just pestering the landlord and called in the county housing inspectors and is just being really paranoid about stuff.  And she keeps taking off to go have sex and get stoned.  He actually wants to call child protective services.**

So, yeah.  He wants to get a place with me.  (Also, I just had a job interview today in the city where he currently lives.  This is a state position and I’d get like a $10,000 pay increase if I get the job.  He said that if I get the job he’d like us to move in together.)  When he called I told him that we would have to get a 2 bedroom place and that he would be 100% responsible for 1/2 the rent and 1/2 the utilities.  When I said the thing about the 2 bedrooms he said, “well you’re no fun.”  I just said sorry.

I cannot let him think that he’s going to just waltz back into my bed and be my partner again.  When we broke up I told him (after he said he’d like the chance to date me properly once things settled down) that he would have to fight for me.  He would have to prove that he can be the man I need and deserve.  I am a fucking amazeballs person.  This living together arrangement would be strictly him and me being housemates.

I love this man still.  Love and sex aren’t always related.  I am having sex with a man I do not love.  Sure, he’s an okay guy, but I don’t love him.  My ex though?  When he’s not a depressed asshole he’s the most amazing guy.  For most of our time together he always made me feel like someone super important.  He would do little things for me all that time that most might think were things he should just do because he’s my boyfriend.  Like the time he cleaned the whole apartment while I was at work and then he cooked dinner.  I mean, fucking A!  And he did that after a long day on the job.  Sure, my workday was longer, but his job requires physical labor.  And like the multiple times he’s replaced tires on my car (my car tires are ridiculous).  Or when he’d go visit my family with me (my family is rather opinionated and their opinions of me and others pissed my ex off, but he still visited them with me because he knew that was important to me.  He could’ve just stayed home).  Even still he shows signs of goodness towards me.  He let’s me see his dog from time to time (he’s like my kid).  He moved all of my stuff into my new place (he didn’t have to).

Oh goodness.  This blog is way off track.  Haha.  Anyway, I have to figure out what to do…  I don’t want to be his girlfriend right now.  He needs to be able to treat me well in the long term before I can emotionally deal with the possibility that a relationship would work again.