Yep, that time of the month is here. Not the actual bleeding part, but that I-will-cry-and-be-pissed-and-happy-all-at-the-same-time part. PMS stands for PREmestrual Syndrome. Many men (and shockingly women) think that “PMS” and “bleeding” are synonymous. Really, the PMS comes before the bleeding and therefore they are separate things. C’mon people, didn’t you pay attention in health class? (Didn’t think so.)
I’ve been cramping for a couple of days. And this morning I sympathized with a spider. If you knew me, like really knew me, you’d know how terrified I am of spiders. When I discovered him in my bathroom yesterday I did what any rational spider hater does: I completely ignored the fact that I saw him and went about my business trying to pretend like I didn’t know a spider was lurking in my bathroom. And then I sent a text to Ted to see if he’d come kill it. He said he would for the best blow job ever. He didn’t show up. Guess he didn’t want an amazeballs blow job. So, when I woke up in the middle of the night having to pee, I took a flashlight to the bathroom so that I could inspect the floor and light switch (just in case the spider had moved). That’s how ridiculous I am. I was pleased to see the spider in the same place as before. This morning I did the same thing and he was still in his corner.
I ate breakfast and got ready for work. I opened the front door and whoosh! Cold air rushed in and flying snow hit my face. My weather app said it’s 2 degrees and feels like -13. I stepped over a snow drift and headed to the car. My doors were frozen shut. And then I thought, “Now I know why I have a spider in my bathroom.” First time I have EVER felt compassion for a spider. Although he still needs to be taken care of. Pronto. I don’t need spider babies or creepy crawlies in my place.
And then I cried on my way to work while thinking about my pitiful life. 30. Single. Not a mommy. Roads were covered in ice. Couldn’t roll down a window to let cigarette smoke out. And I have a spider in my fucking bathroom.
PMS. What a bitch.