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Several days ago I decided to check out my OKC account.  You know, just for the hell of it.  I had a message from “Randy”.  I replied, just for the hell of it.  We messaged back and forth for a few days until I decided to give him my number.  We sent several text messages and then he called me.  We talked on the phone for 1 ½ hours!  We talked about our respective drug histories, relational histories, traveling dreams, ideal living location, our respective jobs, etc.  There was one major lull in the conversation.  When he said, “I’ve been snipped,” I almost cried.  Here’s a guy that I just met (via phone/text/messaging) with whom I could sense the connection and he no longer possesses the ability to have babies.

For that reason I just want to walk away.  I don’t want to give my heart a chance to develop those lovely feelings for a man who can’t give me my biggest desire.  I shouldn’t have to sacrifice my dream of being a mommy.

There are numerous ways to be a mommy though.  The traditional sperm-meets-egg-and-produces-baby is the way I want to experience motherhood for the first time, or at least for one of my kiddos.

WHY?!

I am fully aware that I could adopt.  I work in that field!  I know that I could be a foster mother.  I know I could be a step-mom (he has a 10 year old daughter – a lot of guys around my age are divorced with kids).  But… but.  Dammit, it’s not fucking fair!

I really want to let myself like this guy.  I really want a baby.  I want a baby more than I want to like this guy.

Sorry, Randy…

**sigh**

I’m not even sure if there’s a way to compromise on this one.

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