Gage and I met in 2008 when I first ventured online to find – sex (don’t judge). I was in a terrible place in life. Instead of finding sex (with Gage) I found a beautiful friendship. He and I have always been “off” in that when one of us is single the other is in a relationship. Never fails. Not even when we met… (Still, no judgment, please.)
Gage and I have kept up communication over the years, engaging in sexting, phone sex, etc… I always break when I’m dating someone… He has less discretion… But I’m not innocent in this. I knowingly and willinigly send him the pictures he begs for… his desire for me makes me feel simply sexy.
Our friendship though is stronger than our sex drive. At least I like to think so. We got into a conversation the other day… I have since deleted the texts (my phone is stupid), but I’ll paraphrase as best I can…
Me: I’m a survivor.
Gage: What do you mean?
Me: I feel like I simply exist in this world. I don’t really belong anywhere. I do what I must to keep going, always hoping for something different, better someday.
Gage: I know the feeling.
Me: Are we terrible people for doing the things we do when we know the other is in a relationship? Or are we just so drawn to each other that we just can’t help ourselves?
Gage: I like to think the latter.
Me: Yeah, me too.
Me; I think we would be great together you know. Like you and me, dating.
Gage: I know. Why do you think so though?
Me: If you and I lived together we’d have sex at least once a day and we’d be best friends, never growing tired of the other. You get me.
Gage: I think we know more about each other than we know about ourselves.
Gage: I think we’d be awesome together too.
Me: Damn geography!! (Btw, Gage is about a 4 1/2 hr commute from where I live. Used to be more like an 8 hr commute.)
Gage: I know.
Gage: What do you want?
Me: You. Me. You and me. Haha.
Gage: How would that work?
Me: Long distance sucks ass. But it can be done.
Gage: What would the long-term look like?
Me: What do you mean exactly? I want to be with you. Eventually one of us would have to move. I wouldn’t mind moving. Ha! I love [your city]. A move wouldn’t happen for at least a year though.
Gage: It’s expensive here.
Me: Eh, I’m sure social workers get paid more there than here. We might have to get some roommates. LOL
Me: I would never ask or expect you to leave your gf for me though. That would have to be completely up to you. I know you guys are going through a rough patch, but you’ve been together a long time too.
Me: And I know you take care of your parents.
Gage: I’d feel guilty if I moved too far from them.
Me: I don’t want this to be impossible! It’s not fair! Ha. Can you see me stamping my foot, crossing my arms, and scowling?
Gage: Nothing is impossible.
Right now, this feels pretty impossible. We’ve had this conversation several times. Always the same… we want each other, not just for the sex (although the sex is fucking amazeballs).
I’m planning a trip in a couple of weeks… We’ll see what happens then. We truly are drawn together. I feel like he and I are kindred spirits in many things. We understand each other’s dreams and struggles. We can talk with ease. And, even the phone sex is satisfying. 😉
When I do visit him, I’m sure we’ll have at least one heart-to-heart… and many penis-to-vagina experiences…
Mmmm… that curved stick of deliciousness… Those lips, and dark eyes… That accent! And his strong hugs. The way he caresses my back as I talk about life. The hearty laugh, his tales, his never-ending movie references… The way he thinks every curve (the ones in all the right and wrong places) is amazing… The way he says “babe” and “hun”. The gentleness with which he holds my hand, and the roughness with which he spanks… His thick hair. He badassness. The way he takes everything I say to heart, and the way he listens. The way he needs me to need him, and the he needs me in return.
I refuse to let this be an impossibility. Eventually. Someday. Hopefully sooner rather than later.