This past Friday, Bob the Builder (I scoured my previous blogs and apparently have not written about this particular person. He’s a welder — or was.) was supposed to stay at my place. Quick history: we went on a date. We became friends. I realized very quickly that to be more than friends would be a mistake as he has a serious alcohol problem and is fairly unstable. On December 13th he was arrested and charged with a DUI. His landlord/house mate decided that’s completely unacceptable and kicked him out. He lived in his vehicle for about a week, realized that it’s really too cold to be sleeping outside, and then started couch surfing. His court date was yesterday (01/28/15) so he didn’t want to rent a new place when going to jail was a likely possibility. Over that month of homelessness his psychological state took a turn for the worse. He stayed at my place a couple of times… he was in a bad, bad way.
So, Friday, Bob the Builder called me and I could immediately tell he was sloshed. I couldn’t really tell where he was. He was asking about staying at my place, which was fine. I spoke with Marshall. We agreed that he could stay for a week for $175 (which would be much cheaper than Motel 6) so long as he didn’t show up drunk. If he wanted to drink while at the apt, that’s fine. I knew that banning all alcohol would be unrealistic. He never showed up. I didn’t really want him driving. I had hoped that he’d passed out in his vehicle. But the next day I didn’t hear from him either. Saturday evening I text his mom (I’m a sleuth and found her number). She lives 1800 miles away. She hadn’t heard from him. On Sunday, neither of us had heard a peep. She was becoming worried because Bob the Builder always calls her on the weekends. I was worried because he normally called everyday.
On Monday I FB messaged a coworker of his. He didn’t see him or hear anything about him on Monday. On Tuesday I messaged the guy/friend of his that sold him the vehicle because I knew they were buddies. Still, no word from Bob the Builder. Not a single person had seen or heard from him since Friday afternoon. I decided (after much deliberation) to file a missing person’s report.
I had the state police number on my phone. Just before hitting the call button Bob the Builder’s mom text me: “Hi, it’s me again. I heard from Bob the Builder. He is in the hospital and is going to some place called Rehab Center. Gave him your number. He will be calling you. No matter what he tells you, I appreciate your contacting me. Thanks, you are a good friend.”
After some dialogue I got the hospital’s number. I called Bob the Builder. As soon as I heard his voice I started crying. You know, that I’m-Having-Trouble-Talking-Right-Now-Because-Emotions crying? We talked for a long time… then I went to visit him and couldn’t stop touching him and looking at him and making sure he was really there.
He tried to kill himself three times. Cops tackled him to the ground and took him to the hospital on an Order of Protection from Self-Harm during his last attempt (walking down the middle of the highway looking for a semi to jump in front of). He detoxed, got on meds, and finally called his mom. He’s going to a 28-day inpatient rehab center and will then enter a sober house.
The relief… I can’t even explain.
Me: I’m sorry my sex drive is higher than yours.
Marshall: Not it’s not.
Me: Um, yes it is.
Marshall: How would you know?
Me: Our relationship.
Marshall: That was just our relationship.
Wtf dude?! You truly just didn’t want to sleep with me? Like really? Were you getting it from other girls? Because no one who has a high sex drive just doesn’t want sex with his gf without getting it from elsewhere. I never cheated, but damn I really hated the dry spells. And I masturbated all the time! I know he did too… but still. Doesn’t make any sense at all to me! Sigh.
A friend of mine told me about the Sex Addiction Screening Test. She said that she is a sex addict and is fairly certain that I am also one. I’m not at all offended that she thinks so, because I think so, too. The test is simple. The first step involves checking off some basic demographics:
I stated that I am bisexual because… well, the basic definition of bisexual is a person who is attracted to both men and women. And based on my life experiences, I’d say that is true of myself. I choose to act (mostly) straight. I’ve been attracted to about 3 women in my adulthood. I’ve only kissed a couple… I’ve never gone further than that. Mostly, I consider myself heterosexual, but in reality, I should really consider myself bisexual.
The above questions are self-explanatory. Idk if anyone how outright said, “I’m concerned about your sexual behaviors,” but I’m sure people are. And that’s okay. I don’t blame them.
Again, self-explanatory. However, for number 8, I wouldn’t mind some feedback. I had a sexual experience via a car repair man when I was 12 years old. During the summer 1996 my dad and I were working on the family van (you could work on your own vehicles) and this mechanic walked by while my dad wasn’t around. He managed to touched my breasts (because, you know, I was already pretty developed for a 12 year old) and crotch as he walked past me. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to say. So, I didn’t say anything to anyone. I wasn’t traumatized. I just moved on. Since that was the only incident, I’ve marked #8 as “no”.
(Below, the bolded questions are ones I will discuss.)
#13 – Has your sexual behavior ever created problems for you and your family?
I stated NO because my family is clueless about my sexual behavior. They did become upset when they learned that I was living with Marshall (they thought we had *just* moved in together. They have no idea about anything about me in regards to my sexual behavior). However, IF they knew about my behaviors, they’d be highly upset.
#21 – When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards?
I do not feel depressed afterwards. I feel fucking fantastic. If I haven’t had sex in a couple weeks and/or if I’m trying to get into a relationship with somebody and things aren’t working out, then I become depressed. But not after I’ve had sex.
#31/#35 – Have you purchased services online for erotic purposes (sites for dating, pornography, fantasy and friend finder)?/Have you subscribed to or regularly purchased or rented sexually explicit materials (magazines, videos, books or online pornography)?
I have not PURCHASED online services for sex. I have for dating, but not sex. I
might be am a member of an online hookup site, but I don’t pay for it. And I wouldn’t be on the site if I did have to pay. I do not get on the site regularly. And when I do, it’s only to watch a few of the homemade porn videos that I like… nothing unrealistic.
#43 – Have you traded sex for money or gifts?
This was a toughy. I have never paid for sex. But buy me dinner, a couple of drinks, and make me laugh? Yeah, I’ll probably sleep with you. (I just rolled my eyes at myself.)
#46 – Have you regularly engaged in sadomasochistic behavior?
Please, choke me. Tie me up, blindfold me. Spank me. Call me a dirty girl. Tell me what you want… Mmmm…
#51 – Has your sexual behavior put you at risk for arrest for lewd conduct or public indecency?
Okay, this one goes hand-in-hand with #16. This is why the behavior is illegal/puts me at risk for arrest: front seat of my car on a college campus, front seat of my car in a bowling alley parking lot, back seat of my car in the mall parking lot, hood of my car under a street light that can be seen from the highway, outdoor stairwell of an apartment building, in the hatchback of a car at a party where at least 50 people could see, in the back of a jeep in a driveway… and so on.
We have compared your answers with people who have been diagnosed with sex addiction. Your answers HAVE MET a score on a basis of six criteria that indicate sex addiction is present. To help you understand, the graphic below plots your score in relation to the scores of others.
There is much more to the results, but that’s the important part. I’m at a 14. A FOURTEEN!! Sigh. I really don’t feel the need for help. I don’t mind my sex addiction. But, I do know that in the long term, this will hinder me from finding a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Maybe. You know, when I was dating Marshall, I was 100% faithful. I didn’t stray at all. I even shut down inappropriate conversations with other people because I didn’t want to jeopardize our relationship. And then I ended up getting cheated on by him. I was so crushed! So, while I’m a sex addict, I can control my behavior within a relationship. I was even super patient with him when we went long periods of time without sex…
Okay. So that’s probably waaaaaay too much information. I only have one real-life friend who reads my blog. Hopefully she isn’t disgusted with me.
Jerry canceled. He has a legit reason (his aunt passed away and he and his family are heading out of state this evening for the funeral which will take place in the next couple of days). I’m super bummed though. And I’ve been asking around if anyone would like to go with me to the comedy club since I was the one that got the tickets. No one wants to go. And then, I went to lunch with three other ladies. The waiter asked if the bills were together or separate. The one lady said, “these three are on one check.” Guess who had to pay for her own lunch? Yep, me. Like, really, I don’t care if I have to pay for my own food. But damn, it was like a slap in the face that said, “you’re not good enough for me to pay for your lunch.”
Okay, enough with the pity party. Back to work…
I have a coworker/friend who revealed last week that she is pregnant. I have had my suspicions for about a month now. We chit chatted about family reactions and announcements and keeping the news quiet at work for a couple of months because another coworker/friend is going through infertility treatment and has expressed severe jealousy and rage towards anyone else who becomes pregnant…
That all said, my (currently pregnant) coworker/friend had a sonogram and testing yesterday… her news is not good. The doctor told her that she has a 99% chance of miscarrying (there was some kind of science-y term for this type of pregnancy that has a 99% of miscarriage).
My heart is breaking for this woman. I’m not sure what to say. I want to write her a letter of encouragement, but how does one express the feels that are felt during a time like this with words?
I sent her a little note that included Numbers 6:24-26
24 “The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”
I feel good about these words. I know I would be comforted if someone were to give me these specific verses during an uncertain time…
Hello. My name is Gizah and I am a self-doubt-aholic.
Maybe the intro should be more like: Hello, my name is Gizah. I am a self-doubter. And you would be too if you were me. Because I am not … anything.
Jerry and I are supposed to be going on a date on Thursday. Jerry doesn’t communicate frequently. My brain is translating that as:
1. Jerry isn’t going to show up for the date.
2. Jerry doesn’t want to go on the date.
3. I don’t blame him for not wanting to go out with me.
4. Why would anyone want to go out with me?
5. I’m a shitty person.
Self-doubt and self-loathing. Ugh!! I’m not a bad person! I ***know*** that! I have a hard time accepting that fact when I’m feeling insecure.
And this is all on me. This is a “me problem”. No one else is saying these things. No one else is insinuating that I’m a shitty person or that I’m not worthy of being with someone. And Jerry hasn’t canceled or indicated that he isn’t coming. It’s an irrational fear that I have and that I have to work out.
I already to Marshall than he and his gf could use the tickets to the show if he doesn’t come. Yes, I like to jump the gun. On everything. Always.
I’m re-reading the Divergent series. Often I dream about whatever story I happen to be reading. I was Trixie in the dream. I can’t remember what the name was short for, but Trixie is very similar to the main character’s nickname, Tris. Anyway, we (random people which included Jerry and others I knew but I can’t place now, but I do specifically remember Jerry) were going through initiation. We were attacked… I think it was more like the paintball event though. Like when two teams have to play against each other to boost their position in the rankings somehow. I don’t remember a lot, but I do remember being angry at Jerry for not protecting me, feeling ashamed because I was always scared and not very brave, and turtles crawling on the ceiling (who knows).
On Friday I sent a text to Jerry asking if he’d like to go to a comedy show with me this coming Thursday. He stated that he’d love to go with me. I’m curious to see if we actually go. My hopes are low so that I am not disappointed if the plans fall through (again) or stoked if we actually do go.
Jerry really is a nice guy. I really hope that he can be ready to move forward soon. Ugh. But I don’t want him to move too fast if he’s not ready. He did post a Hugh Laurie quote on fb (you know, that ever trustworthy site with no lies or misdirection or anything) that says, “It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now.” So, being the presumptuous person I am, I’m thinking, oh, maybe he wants to do something he’s not ready for so he doesn’t miss out on an effing amazing opportunity and maybe that something is a someone, and maybe that someone is me. Haha.
Anyway. I hope he can give us a chance. I almost told my bff that he was going to be the guy I marry someday. But then he got all “I’m going through stuff” and “I shut down when I’m going through stuff”… I’m not sure how I’m supposed to think about him. I’m all mixed up.
Okay, so this is going to be a two-fold blog. First, I will detail my NYE shenanigans. Then I will ask you, dear readers, about my date’s actions.
secretly happy that I knew how to spell shenanigans without the help of spell check):
I have a friend… Mandy. Mandy and I worked for the same non-profit agency but in different cities. Now I work elsewhere and she’s also looking for a new job. Anyway, we’ve known each other for about 3 years. For about the past 6 months or so we’ve been hanging out, and it’s been soooo nice to have a friend nearby that I can physically hangout with. If I had my way though, my very best friend would be my go-to hangout person. (She’s a 13-ish hour drive from me.)
The party started at 9pm. When I’m single I talk with multiple people and see where things go. So, I had a date for the event. We’ll just call him my date for this blog.
Mandy had made her famous Chicken Dippy Stuff (I’ll have to post the recipe sometime), drinks we going down quickly, and the place was full of laughter, music, and white-girl dancing. HAHA! We played games, drank more, danced more, and laughed even more.
Then there were the smoke breaks. The smoke breaks had laughter, sure. But they had lots of conversation that led to confessions that led to Mandy making out with me. Oh my gosh! I have all kinds of mixed feelings regarding my curiosities and certainly about my actions on NYE. I was so turned on. I didn’t want to stop.
Holy hell, I
said typed that out loud.
So, just after 5am, my date and I headed back to my place. Drunk and horny I let him finger me on the way back to my place.
Because I wasn’t looking for a hookup and really do want a relationship (geez this blog is all over the place), when we got back to my place I said something to the effect, “I’m really drunk and I’m not sure if I should invite you in.” (Disclaimer: I was drunk, he was not.) He said something like, “That’s fine. Can I get a kiss?” So we made out for a little bit. He’s not a bad kisser. As I got out of his car I said, “Text me.”
At 10pm that night, when I was nearly asleep, he text me.
Him: How are you doing today?
Me: Dude. I just laid down to go to sleep. I woke up at 9am. I’m exhausted. Waited all day to hear from you. Wasn’t hungover. But I am tired. (In hindsight, that probably came off as really bitchy.)
Him: I slept most of the day. Thought you might be sleeping too. I’m sorry. I guess I waited too long.
Me: Lol. Nah.
Him: Why did you get up so early?
Me: Because I never sleep in even if I really want to. Lol.
Me: I’m really tired though. So I’m gonna go to sleep. Text me tomorrow.
Him: Oh I’m sorry. I’m just the opposite. Ok. I will.
Me: Okay. 🙂
I didn’t hear a peep out of him yesterday, although he did send me a facebook request.
I guess what I want to know is, if a girl tells you to text her and you don’t, what is she supposed to think? I’m thinking that he’s not interested since I didn’t let him sleep with me. Because I do want a relationship, I know that I need to make sure we’d get along and that I’d sleep with him sober before sleeping with him drunk.