Me: Is it weird that I just got off by watching a video of me getting myself off?
Him: Next you should suction cup a dildo to a mirror and fuck yourself.
Me: My suction cup one doesn’t suction anymore.


Me: I think my uterus is falling out.
Her: Oh no :(.  Mine didn’t start.  I really thought I was going to.
Me: Did you see what I did there?  I crack myself up.  I have pain but also the lining of my uterus is literally falling out.  Lmao!  I’m gross.


Me: My outfit today was chosen knowing I’m meeting a new male [Agency] worker at 4pm.  I know his name and nothing else.  I’m ridiculous.  But he’s in my field of work so if he’s single, somewhere around my age, and has a good personality, then I wanna make my first impression count!
Me (later):Well, he’s old and married.
All the people I sent the first text to: HAHAHAHAHA!!!


[Received videos of guy maturbating]
Me: Mmmmmmmm I love watching cum squirt out of cocks.
Him: Did you get both halves?
Me: Yes
Me: You needed a girl there to suck your cock for the first half.  😉
Him: Yep
Him: Got a new one lined up for Thursday.  Lol.  Forgot I have [things] that day.
Me: Awww
Him: Either way I’ll be fucking her this week.
Me: I think I have a new fwb in the works.
Him: And making a video with her.
Him: She just got out of a 10 year relationship.  She just wants fucked.  Lol
Me: I just want fucked too.
Him: She had a random hookup a couple weeks ago.  Sent me a few hot pics.  She’s been in a 3some before.
Him: It was her and two other girls.
Me: That is hot.
Him: Yes it is
Him: Strap on and everything.
Him: [Random YouTube clip]
Him: I’m going to make two of those.
Me: Fairy lights?

Also me — dying laughing at the quick change of topic…


Him: I’m heading to the gym tonight.  You wanna go?
Me: I just got home.  I need to eat and I have to keep working.  I’ve got a fuck ton to do before tomorrow.  It’s a bunch of bullshit.  Can you tell I’m so excited?
Him: Need to relieve stress eh?
Me: Yeah.  Gonna have to do it the old fashion way.  😉
Him: Oh I see
Him: Push-ups.  Smart call.
Me: So not push-ups.  Lol


Me: I need laid dude.
Him: You have 3+ boyfriends.
Me: I do not.
Him: Ex, Mr. Preschool, and Tinder guy?
Me: The one got a gf so we can’t fuck anymore.  And the other is off limits right now.
Me: What tinder guy?
Him: There are too many to remember?
Me: Lmao.  My bad.
Him: Friday
Me: Oh, we haven’t met.
Him: You haven’t banged Friday yet?
Me: No
Him: You should get on that.
Me: We haven’t talked in awhile.
Me: I’m not as slutty as I used to be.
Me: Oh.  I guess Friday and I did fuck.  Haha!  Must not have been memorable.

2 days later…
Me: You know what’s funny?  Friday text me the same day you reminded me about him.
Me: I just got laid.
Him: And?
Me: Still not memorable.

Advertisements