Anxiety Induced Insomnia.


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Good evening, readers.

Tonight’s blog is brought to you by my very own brain’s nonstop worry over things I have zero control over.  Here are two of the biggies:

  1. I will be having surgery in about 3 weeks.
    I went to a gynecology appointment in March to discuss my irregular monthly cycles and heavy bleeding.  I’ve always been a heavy bleeder; however, my cycles have averaged 30 days for years and years.  For about one year now my cycles have ranged from 25 days to 47 days.  I figured a trip to a specialist was needed.  So, at the initial appointment (I usually just see my PCP for paps and whatnot) I described my symptoms and the doctor did not seemed overly concerned and yet scheduled me for a trans-vaginal sonogram.  I had that appointment on Tuesday.  Okay, I have to tell the entire story because why not…

    So, I get to my appointment exactly 15 minutes early, check in at their fancy schmancy self check-in kiosk, and wait to be called back.  The lady who was the doctor’s assistant or whatever (likely nurse or PA) took me back to complete the sonogram.  She had me strip from the waist down and drape a paper cloth over my lap while she asked the basics (allergies, first day of my last period, etc).  She then had me lay back, put my feet in the stirrup thingys.  She then gets the sonogram wand out and slips a condom over the wand giving the already phallic shaped device a more dildo-esque representation.  I scooted my ass all the way to the edge of the table and she inserted the wand into my vagina.  Being the super mature woman I am I thought my thoughts rather than speaking them aloud.  I was thinking, “I wonder if anyone has had an orgasm during this procedure,” and, “I wonder what she’d do if I said something like, ‘yes, right there, don’t stop!’?”  And then I became a little more somber looking at my empty uterus on the screen wondering if I’ll ever have that happy moment of seeing a little blob of a baby for the first time.  After probing me for about 10 minutes and doing various measurements and labeling things, the lady had me push down on the left side of my lower abdomen so she could get a better look of that side, then moved to the right.  The right took longer and included extra measuring and labeling.  I knew she’d found something…

    So this woman takes me back out to the waiting room after I redressed in order for the doctor to review my sonogram and then I would go back and have a chat with him.  About 5 minutes later the same woman (nurse, PA, whatever) comes out, calls my name, takes me back to weigh me, asks me when the first day of my last period was, and acted as though this was the first time she was interacting with me that day!  Strange!  I just played along.  Then the doctor comes in…

    Apparently I have a uterine polyp (a sac-like thing in my uterus) that needs surgically removed.  The doctor assured me that the polyp is “likely” benign, “likely” won’t interfere with my fertility, and “likely” won’t recur.  The information I found on the Mayo Clinic site parroted the doctor, mostly.

    I will have a hysteroscopy (basically a camera that is inserted into the uterus via the vagina and cervix) and the doctor will remove the polyp and perform a D&C.  The procedure is an outpatient surgery and I shouldn’t need much recovery time.

    So, why the worry (getting back to the worry part)?  What if the polyp is pre-cancerous rather than benign?  What if I’m peri-menopausal and I don’t even know it yet?  Polyps occur in peri- and post-menopausal women most frequently.  And what if this is the first sign of infertility for me?  I mean, the research shows that removing polyps actually increases the chances of becoming pregnant; however, what if other problems are present that haven’t been discovered yet?  What if I’m on my monthly at the time my surgery is scheduled for?  Does that impact whether or not the surgery will occur?  What if complications arise and … bad things!!


  2. I have lost a folder at work that holds confidential information.
    This kept me up for hours last night.  My supervisor does not seem concerned.  I’m very concerned.

    That is all.


100 Healthy Days – Day 89.


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Starting Weight: 233.8 pounds
Today’s Weight: 204.2 pounds
Total Lost: 29.6 pounds

I’ve stalled.  At least, from Tuesday through Friday I was 204.4 each morning.  I ate correctly, I may not have had quite enough water, and I did exercise.  And still I stalled.  Until this morning.  Last night I decided to take one for the team, if you will.  I ate chicken nuggets (15 of them!) and two string cheese sticks for dinner.  That’s a ton of food considering how much “good stuff” I’ve been consuming these last 89 days.  I figured if I ate a shitty meal, this morning I’d be up a pound and then I’d eat super healthy the remaining days of my personal challenge thus tricking my body into losing more weight.

Well that backfired.

I’m not disappointed though.  I mean, I lost .2 pounds overnight.  I certainly did not expect this as I did eat all of those nuggets of chicken-y goodness with plenty of ketchup followed by string cheese.  Such an amazing dinner!  I should’ve ordered pizza.  Do you know how long I have gone without my beloved pizza?!  Oh my goodness!  I’ve literally not had pizza since last year.  Totally lame.

So I decided the rest of my plan (eating the healthy way for the remainder of my 100 Healthy Days challenge) is sound.  This morning I had a 3-egg omelet with mushrooms, red onion, and Mexican cheese.  So good.  And for lunch I drank a meal replacement shake because laziness had set in.

I have 11 more days, people.  11 days and I’m done with my challenge!  The official challenge anyway…  I am definitely going to continue.  I’m hoping by the end of the 100 Healthy Days that I will once again be in one-der-land though my real timeline for being under 200 pounds is May 18th – the beginning of my first vacation in ages!!

Btw, I’m in my local public library.  I  ❤  the library so much.  🙂

I should get back to reading…  or browsing for stuff I need/want for vacation.

Stay classy, readers.

P.S. Maybe I’ll have the courage to post pictures on Day 100.  You must not leave any negative feedback or comment on my scant attire.  K, thanks.  Bye.

100 Healthy Days – Day 83. And Brunch.

Good day, readers.

Starting weight: 233.8 pounds
Today’s weight: 206.8 pounds
Total Loss: 27 pounds (Whoop whoop!!)

I’m hungry right now.  I’m not usually hungry except for meal times.  I certainly need a snack.

More than anything, I’m in a funk.  A funk of sadness.  This has been going on for nearly 3 whole weeks.  I’m not even sure if I can write about everything yet.  Just know, I’m sad and cry a lot and feel like binge eating however I am holding strong.

I went on a brunch date this morning.  The date was … a date.  Okay.  Quite average.  We’ll probably hangout again.  He’s not my kind of person to date date.  So maybe not.

I don’t know.

Okay.  That’s all I have.


100 Day Challenge – Day 68


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Starting Weight: 233.8
Today’s Weight: 211.4

TWENTY-TWO POINT FOUR POUNDS DOWN!! (This loss announcement deserves all caps.)

I’m averaging a loss of 0.33 pounds per day right now.  I sometimes enjoy doing math.  As a social worker I’m not always the best – this math wasn’t so difficult though.  😉

Screenshot_2017-03-10-07-52-27I am obviously doing a poor job at actually recording my weight and as you can see, I weighed the same on February 27th as I did yesterday.  You see what happened was I went to this Asian restaurant with 11 other people and I had 2 mango martinis and mango chicken (I was going for a theme — HAHA!).  I’ve done an even worse job of recording my food.  I will restart on Monday as I felt that keeping track was pointless until I got back down to the 211.6.  And I didn’t feel like recording the 214.whatever when my weight jumped after that meal.

In May I will be heading out on an extended weekend vacation with 3 of my coworkers, a husband and infant (not mine), and a sister (not mine) and her friend.  My goal is to be under 200 pounds by then.  And I really think that goal is completely doable!

People at work have FINALLY started noticing my weight loss which is absolutely fantastic!  This past week I have fit back into two different pairs of pants that I haven’t been able to get into for at least a year.  I also went dress shopping for work…  I got 2 new dresses that fit now and I’m a little sad that they’ll likely be too big in a few months.  Maybe my mom can take them in for me.  Oh, I hope so!  They’re absolutely beautiful!

Anyway, that’s all for today.  I need to go make lunch.

Btw, breakfast was amazing!  I fried up 3 slices of turkey bacon and broke them up into pieces, sauteed about a half an onion, added a handful of spinach, then scrambled 2 eggs into the onions, spinach, and bacon, and added cheese.  So delicious!  I think I might call this a Scrambled Omelet.

Not sure what’s for lunch yet…

Later, people!

Sick – Again.

I was sick again.  This time I had the flu.

I haven’t had this flu in about 4 years and this was just as bad as ever… funny/immature text conversation though:

This conversation was with… Ryan.  Ryan and I have slept together a few times per year since Marshall and I broke up in 2013.  I’ve known Ryan much longer though.  We met in 2010 at a Christmas Party… instant chemistry!

We have a lot of inappropriate conversations.

**Disclaimer: Ryan and I are both AIDS/HIV free**

I started this blog to share how this sickness has affected my weight loss and I got all distracted.

I’m going to bed.


100 Healthy Days – Day 41.

I feel a little less like death today.

When I woke up yesterday I could hardly do anything because of how much I was shivering.  My fever finally broke sometime last night.  Hopefully the fever doesn’t return.

This morning I was able to weigh myself.

Starting Weight: 233.8
Today’s Weight (Day 41): 218.2

The last time I weighed myself (Thursday morning) I was 220.6.  I even told the nurse at urgent care the exact number when he asked for my “approximate” weight.

I didn’t eat nearly as much as I should have over the last two days…

The good news is that I am finally on the downside of my weight loss.  Haha.  My weight was previously shown in red because I was a bad girl and had gained a bunch of weight.  Now that I’m under my starting weight from the first time I used this app, I’m in the green.  🙂


I need a nap.  Or something.  I definitely need water.  My antibiotic dries me out so bad.

Oh!  I asked Victor how he was feeling since he came over a few days before I got sick.  He said he’s also sick.  I was all, “now I know where I got this from.”  He was like, “yeah, me too.”  Smh.  Who knows who gave the grossness to who.  Doesn’t really matter.

Being Sick.

Strep sucks.

Yesterday I woke up feeling a little gross and as the day progressed I felt worse and worse.  When I finally decided to go home, I could not stop shivering.  I got home, took my temp and had a low-grade fever.  I looked at my throat and my left tonsil was nasty.  I decided to go to an urgent care…

Positive for strep.

The doctor tried to poison prescribe me with a Z-Pack which is apparently bad for those allergic to erythromycin.  After getting my non-lethal meds, I came home and heated up some soup and went to bed.  The shivering didn’t stop for a long time.

At 2am I woke up, just as cold as before.  I knew I could finally take more tylenol, which is what I did.  I managed to get the pills down, but ended up throwing up a bunch of phlegm.  Gross.

The fever has yet to break.  And this headache is not going away.  My neck really hurts too.  Like I’ve done nothing but lay on it wrong all day.

Okay.  I’m done whining.  😉

I didn’t weigh in this morning.  Probably won’t tomorrow either.

Medical Hx from 4/2015-Present

Good morning!

On April 15, 2015, tax day, I went to my current PCP office because insurance required me to in order to avoid a $75 fee.  I weighed 210.1 pounds that day.

On August 5, 2015, I went for who knows why.  I weighed 212.5 pounds.

On May 13, 2016, I went for some reason.  I weighed 236.0 pounds.  In 9 months I had gained 23.5 pounds.

On August 3, 2016, I again visited my doctor.  I weighed 244.0 pounds.  Another 4 pounds gained.

I went in October 2016 because of a car accident and I know I was in the upper 230s.  I think around 238 pounds.  Between August and October I had simply stopped eating McDonald’s for breakfast everyday.

Today I weighed in at 221.6 pounds (which was actually what my home scale AND the doctor scale said).


So, from August 3, 2016 to today, I have lost a grand total of 22.4 pounds.  That is amazing!!  I’m so glad that I doing well.  🙂

P.S. I did not gain weight from yesterday’s meal.  I did not lose weight either.  But I’m okay with that.  😉

(Un)Healthy Day…


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Well, today hasn’t been completely unhealthy.  I had a meal replacement shake for breakfast; and, egg salad, cucumber slices, black olives, and a string cheese stick for lunch.  Then, the agency I work for, had an appreciation type dinner for people involved with a specific program.  The dinner itself wasn’t unhealthy per se.  But that cheese cake with berry drizzle after?  That may have been an unhealthy choice…

Here are my thoughts: I deserved that damn cheesecake!  The work I do as a social worker in child welfare is incredibly demanding and draining.  (Tooting my own horn a bit.)  Rarely do workers and foster parents receive any kind of acknowledgement of the hard work that goes into our jobs.  For social work month I got a star shaped bowl filled with Easter grass and candy.  On top was a note that read “You’re a star!”  Like wft?!  That’s what the agency provides to the social workers who work long hours and have so much emotional baggage and secondhand trauma that we should all be required to see a therapist at least once a month?!  Candy.  Because I’m not already fat.  In a star shaped dish that will do what when the candy is gone??  (I turned my into a planter which is much prettier and useful — I killed the plant already.)  The other thing about the candy is that there is such a huge push from the agency to “be healthy” and all they fucking do is shove donuts, bagels, candy, pizza, and other sugar laden/carb loaded foods down our throats when they do provide us with something to eat (at the agency, not fancy schmancy restaurants.  And I can fucking guarantee you that the only reason we went to that place was because our resource families were being recognized and thanked as well.  Had the group been made up of only agency workers, we would’ve likely had Chick-fil-A or something like that… maybe Little Caesar’s.

So yeah.  I ate the cheesecake.  Who the fuck cares?  Not me.  And that is all that matters.

I’ll be 105% shocked if the scale is not up tomorrow.  <– still don’t care.

Anyway, Victor is here.

Ttyl people.