I feel less than.

I want more.

All the selfish thoughts are flooding me.

And you’re perfectly fine.


The Latest.

Weight Loss Journey: I am down to 195.6 as of this morning.  That’s a total of 38.2 pounds down from January 2nd.  The weight loss has been slow going for awhile since I’ve allowed myself to become more lax with my weekend food choices.  However, I am still losing weight overall.  🙂  I’ve started exercising more.  My body hates me.  Haha.  My legs are screaming at me anyway.

Caleb: Oftentimes, I spend the night with Caleb and have amazing sex with him.  Our last sexcapade included my new restraints, a scarf, a vibrator, and two very horny people.  😉  My restraints held up this time — the last set I had were given to me by a friend who stated he never used them.  They broke (apparently my orgasm was too much for the straps to handle).  Anyway, my current set is fantastic and held up beautifully.  My scarf was initially/mostly used as a blindfold.  The vibrator was used on my vagina and a bit on my nipples.  Caleb (horny person #2 — because, let’s face it, I’m always the most horny of them all and am therefore horny person #1) sucked, rubbed, pulled, and licked my nipples nearly raw.  The sensational feelings that all of his touching and caressing and spanking and choking and massaging and kissing produced sent me spiraling when my orgasm hit me.

Future Plans: I have a thing planned that I’m not quite ready to share.  I’m in full planning mode still and need more time to sort out my thoughts/feelings/goals.  I’m sure I’ll share by mid-July.  Maybe.

Butt Sex.


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Several years ago I had my one and only enjoyable experience with anal sex.

Yesterday I had an okay experience — Caleb came over to help me with some literal heavy lifting since I am not allowed to do heavy lifting for several more days.  Caleb dug a large hole for a tree and took me buy patio furniture.  He also put my new mower together.

Then we tested my new bed restraints.  😉  I don’t really care to be dominant.  I’m really not that good at being the one to give the orders and being in charge.  I did lube him up with some sherbet flavored whipped lube to give him a great bj.  Then we were 69ing… I can’t have vaginal penetration until next Wednesday at the earliest.  So, he suggested we do anal.  I said I would only be okay with anal if he was agreeable to listen to my directions… very, VERY slow and a shit ton of lube.  He agreed.  I took his butt sex virginity.  **smirk**

The sex was okay.  I would be willing to do butt stuff with him again.

Apparently he likes the way my ass looks when we’re doggy styling it and he’s wanted to try anal for awhile.

During the deed he was whispering to me about how I knew he was coming over and I decided not to wear panties.  I hadn’t realized that he knew I wasn’t wearing them until I undressed.  He said that he was watching me weed the flower bed and that my ass was looking “damn good”.

This man… smh.

Dating and Weight Loss.


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So.  I was having a conversation yesterday on OKStupid with this guy who named himself “Elvenking12”.  Here’s a screenshot of the last bit of that conversation:

Okc Elvenking

He was promptly blocked with no chance to respond.  Ha!  I don’t understand…  Smh.

This morning I was 199.8!!  I’m down a total of 34 pounds from January 2nd!  As you can see from this screenshot, I have not been tracking very well…


I only log my weight when I weigh less than I had the previous time I logged my weight.  🙂  Now, I have a sneaking suspicion that my dip into one-derland has a lot to do with the fact that I ate very little yesterday and had so, so much fluid.  Today I’ve eaten fairly normally and I’ve pooped a lot.  I didn’t have any kind of bowel movement yesterday at all.  Today I think I’ve gone like 4 times and the day is not over yet.  Gotta love surgery.  :-p  So, I have no idea what to expect of tomorrow.

Surgery & Healthy Days Update.


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This morning I had my surgery.  I felt like I had to state my name, date of birth, and the procedure I was to be having about 20 times during surgery prep…  My surgery was scheduled for 9:20am, so naturally I had to arrive at 7:20am.

During prep a nurse needed to setup my IV port.  The first nurse attempted to put the needle on my right hand; however, the vein rolled and she was unsuccessful.  The nurse called over a different nurse who attempted to stick my left arm a little below my elbow.  That vein did a thing where a valve closed (or something like that) not allowing the needle to be threaded into the vein.  A third nurse came in and stuck me around mid-forearm which resulted in the same thing as the previous nurse.  The third nurse also stuck me kn the crease of my elbows which finally cooperated.  My arms are all bruised up.

I was rolled back around 9:30am.  Less than 2 hours later I was on my way home with my parents and sister and nephew.  Prior to the anesthesia setting in I remember switching from the gurney to the operating table, then they strapped my arms down and put a safety belt on me.  I did not notice them injecting me with the medicine; however, the next thing I know I’m waking up on the original gurney in the recovery room.

The procedure went well.  The doctor found a small polyp, which was removed, and I also had the D&C.  I have a follow-up appointment on May 11th to review the pathology of what was removed.

This morning when I woke up I was either 200.6 or 200.4 or 200.2.  I cannot remember.

I’m so close to one-derland!!

I Miss My Friend.


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I have a friend named Laci.  I’m sure I’ve spoken of her before…  Anyway, she has had very limited communication with me over the last month and I must say, I miss her dearly.  I still have her on my speed dial and see her name quite a bit.  The pangs of sadness hit me from time-to-time wondering how she’s doing (because I know she’s going through a tough time and I want to be supportive)… there’s some jealousy since I know she reconnected with a friend from her past and they spend a lot of time together.

If I could talk with Laci I’d tell her about how I have a never-ending circle with Caleb and how I have this surgery coming up that I’m nervous about and the really bad date I had on Easter Sunday and how I left a dead spider in my living room for nearly a week because I could not physically make myself move the thing without being scared that it would somehow spring back to life and attack me (for reals, yo)… and other things.

So, Laci, if you’re reading this, I hope you’re well.  I know you’re not quite well.  I do hope that you are finding peace and happiness in different parts of your life.


100 Healthy Days – Results.

Starting weight: 233.8
Ending weight: 203.8
TOTAL LOST: 30 pounds

Okay people, on Tuesday I went to this event that I talked about and I ate a shit-ton of fruit and caesar salad because that was really all I could eat.  I weighed in at 205 pounds yesterday.  I decided that this morning’s weight (203.8) would be my last actual weigh-in since I had all day yesterday as day 100 to be “healthy”.  Which I was.  🙂

I am completely satisfied with my results from my personal challenge.

The next step is to step up my game a bit more.  My goal is to hit the gym more frequently even if that means I must go alone.  I would rather have a gym buddy…  Oh well.  My gym buddy (Caleb) and I have a bad habit of ending up in bed…

So yeah, I’d like to get to the gym more frequently to help avoid swinging arm fat and the like.  And I’m continuing my healthy-ish new eating habits.  🙂

Thank you for being a part of this challenge with me!!  :-*

100 Healthy Days – Day 98.


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Starting Weight: 233.8
Today’s Weight: 203.4
Total Lost: 30.4 pounds


I gained some over the weekend as expected since I got drunk with Caleb on Friday.

All day today I’ve felt hungry which is unusual.

I’m hopeful that on Wednesday morning I’ll wake up under 203 pounds.

I’ll decide on Wednesday if I’ll do another 100 days (likely).

Taking a Break.

I wrote a letter to Caleb.  The words went something like this (the letter is sealed and in the mailbox):

Pt. 1 (on the notebook paper)
Dear Caleb,
I’m writing this letter because you know how I am with my words when conversations are difficult.
I thought that we could have sex and that I’d be fine.  Apparently not.  I was fooling myself.
I need space.  All of the space.  No gym, no phone calls, no texting.  Maybe with this space I’ll begin to heal.  I need to.
You have become one of my very best friends.  I’m not sure how I’ll do this initially.  I hope you’re okay.  I’ll eventually be fine.  I always am.
❤ Gizah

Pt. 2 (inside of a pretty stationary card on the bottom half)
Read the paper first…

…now that the paper is read…

Please don’t unfriend me.  Don’t avoid me  if you see me in public.

Pt.3 (inside the pretty stationary card on the top half)
I should’ve thought this letter through better than I did.  Thank you for offering to help me get pick up those beds.  I will figure out how to get bring them home.  Let me know when you receive this.  Or don’t.  I suppose I’ll know if you don’t call/text me anymore.
Bye for now.

Caleb has this thing about the word “get”.  He doesn’t like the word.  Feels “get” is a completely useless word to use.  So, whenever I text him I always proofread to ensure I don’t use the taboo word.

He should have the letter by Tuesday I’m guessing.  Wednesday at the latest.

I miss him so much already.  This sucks.

Can’t Help Myself.


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Having sex with the man you love is the absolute best.  If only he loved me the way I love me…

Here’s the story:

On March 7th Caleb and I had “the talk” about where the relationship was going, if anywhere.  We have dated, not officially, for about a year.  We had a talk last July and this one did not veer off course much from the last one.

On March 7th I sat on Caleb’s couch blabbering about all of my thoughts about how great we are and how incredible we would be together in a relationship and the many reasons my heart belongs to him.  As soon as he started to respond I knew he was not on the same page.  He explained his own feelings very thoroughly and was very honest.  My heart broke; however, Caleb’s openness affirmed to me that he really wants what is best for me and does care for me.

So last night, April 7th, one month after the talk, I went to Caleb’s house for the first time since that talk.  I’ve seen him several times at the gym…  Anyway, I showed up in this blue dress that is his absolute favorite on me.  He pulled me onto his lap saying his lap was the best seat in the house.  He brought me a drink and pulled me back onto his lap.  Caleb reached around and started rubbing my clit.  Oh my gosh.  So hot!  He pulled me to lean back on him so he could kiss my neck and nibble on my ear and asked me, “how badly does your pussy want my dick?”  I eventually came all over his hand.  He then undressed, sat back down, and had me bouncing on his dick with his hands up my dress, on my hips, with my thong pushed to the side.

This man!  We cannot help ourselves when we’re together.

My heart hasn’t felt heavy today which is nice.  I know that ultimately nothing has changed or will change.  Not fooling myself is easier when we know where we stand.

Becoming completely wasted last night was definitely not good for my health.  I’m not stepping on the scale until at least Monday.  Haha.